Its unreal how much happier I've Bern since me and him started talking again. For way too long I was worried, heartbroken but still trying to hold onto old promises. Its really funny how long we've known eachother, how long we've been in love. Its a shame we haven't been able to be together for so many years, we're both trying to get our shit together so we can be with eachother. Its really weird to think about this situation. I've only talked to a few friends about it- they entertain me with advice or reassurance - but I know they dont get it. I'm fine with that though, all I've wanted for years is to be with him, permanently and I think things are starting to roll in that favor.
I got accepted to the School of Art Institute of Chicago(SAIC) and the Maryland Institute College of Art(MICA) though I'd be glad to attend any of the schools I applied to, Chicago is my dream. I hope I receive enough scholarship money and financial aid to attend, I really do. It'll mean so much more to me than a new school and city. I see it as the start of my life, one in which I make the decisions for my own welfare, one where I could really be me. No more trying to please family, friends, holding myself back and keeping myself in a situation in which I'm miserable.
As much as I love my mother I still hold a grudge against her that'll never leave. For her sake I've lived with her these past five years. We've fought and I've threatened to move in with my dad and as much as I still want to move out I know its just a few more months. I mean, how would you feel if nine of your three children couldn't stand to live with you? I dont act like I love my mother, for the most part I dont, but deep down she is my mom and that's why I try to forget how much she fucked me up. That's it for now, let's see if this mobile update works.
5.3.08
its such a sad state of affairs.
I saw the Bob Marley Rockumentary "Africa Unite" in the Miami International Film Festival today. Although I have some issues with certain effects used to blur parts, as well as some focusing problems, it's a pretty simple film with a very powerful message. I had no idea African nations were trying for a unified Africa. And I had no idea either about Bob Marleys strong opinions for a PanAfrica as its been called. I knew of course of his strong faith in Rastafari, His Majesty, and in trying to get people to go back to the homeland (Africa). It kind of made me hope a little bit. Because if 350,000 Africans can get together for a free concert in Ethiopia, why can't they unite on other terms?
Its a much bigger issue than trying to get the Colonies or States to unite, I think. Mostly because while people from state to state in the United States grew different food, or had different accents, and even religious beliefs, the majority of those differences weren't that big. Just because you were different in a state didn't mean each state had its own civil war. Unlike Africa in which after the Impearial assholes left a country, the people who'd belonged to different tribes immidiately started fighting and it's been civil war after civil war in each of those countries ever since. What a shame.
And South America is going to shit apparently. This whole business with Chavez, and that FARC leader that was murdered is nonesense. The US seems to have trouble picking and choosing their friends and enemies. If Chavez does send his army just because of one guy that'll mean the end of South America. Everyone will be backing Colombia but at the same time no matter how big the army, there's no way to beat guerilla warfare.
The first time I heard about the FARC was when this crazy looking lady at a bus stop downtown started ranting about them. I had no idea what she was really talking about and just shrugged it off. She said some things that stuck like "you have no idea what they've been doing, what they've done to people, what they did to me" I've seen that lady all over downtown, all the time. As well as down by the Dadeland South Metro rail which really confused me.
The election here in the US has been and will continue to be a low budget tv soap opera. I hope to whatever higher power that Obama wins the Democratic election. That bitch Hilary has no right saying she knows whats best for the American people because of experience. Experience doesn't mean everything, lack of experience can be a positive thing if used by the right person, in the right situation, at the right time. The debates that I've watched between her and Obama have just gone on to show me how not ready she is to lead the American people. At first I didn't know a thing about Obama, and wanted Hilary to win. Once I learned about Obama's background and plans I began to like him. Then once Hilary started whining about people attacking her I lost all faith and it continues to dissipitate every time she repeats this offense. The American people, but most importantly, the conservative Republicans who've expected her to fail and crack under pressure because she's a woman WANTED her to fall apart. Once they got their wish there's no shutting them up because it's one strike and she's out to them. HAD she not cried or whined publicly. I wouldn't give two shits but that was where her first mistake was.
Since that she's contradicted her positions on policies, statements, etc, numerous times. Her whole campaign has been about her experience and good judgement. SO in a debate she mentions when asked about her vote for the go ahead for the Iraq war, she said that "she was against it in the background" and that "we shouldn't focus on the past" which the first statement is just a plain out lie,if she disagreed with agression in Iraq, she should have voted NO. Instead she went ahead and said yes. Second statement - YOUR WHOLE CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT YOUR PAST EXPERIENCE IN THE WHITEHOUSE AND THE SENATE WHORE. Sorry, it just really pisses me off how hypocritcal she's been. Also, I realize this isn't entirely her fault but the attacks she's made at Obama have always been very personal. His name, his age, lack of experience, are one thing. Publicly displaying a photo of him in respective, Muslim attire when he was visiting a Muslim state ,doesn't make him a Muslim. And it doesn't make him unpatriotic.
It makes him probably the most respectful politician we have when it comes to foreign affairs. I bet if Hilary visited the middle east she wouldn't wear anything to cover herself except maybe a hat to block the sun. As a country we need to choose a leader who won't just snap his fingers and fix everything. But someone who will work hard, and do what is in the true best interest not just for OUR country but for the world as well.
China is catching up and becoming a huge superpower equal to that of the US. What scares me the most about this happening is that the US is too greedy to share any power whatsoever. And it's kind of haunting that the winter Olympics are being held there this year. I say that because if you didn't realize, the Olympics were held in Berlin shortly after Hitler became chancellor in Germany. Look how that turned out. With all their prosperity, China is already facing serious crisis'. Freedom is a word seldom uttered or heard. The Government, while becoming more relaxed, has actually surpressed freedom of speech even more since the Olympics were set to be held there. How nice of a show is it to put on that the press from around the world will be free to roam about during the games. But they won't get to talk to those that have anything to say. Why? Because the Chinese government has already blacklisted, and has surveilence on these people. Because during the games these people who have something to say about their government that's probably the harsh truth, will be kept from being in contact with the press.
Japan too is heading out of control. The abortion rate is through the roof because lack of open sex education and I think it's a shame. They're going to get to a point where because of hardly any immigration into their country, as well as them not really mix breeding, Japan's dependency ratio will only continue to grow higher. As they reach this "fifth" level of development or whatever its called in Human Geography, they are bound to mess up.
I'm getting tired of ranting so I'll leave you with these last thoughts.
Europe is on point dahs. Li, fo sho dey kno what dey be needin to do to git derr shitt scrait. Ju kno wha I mean dah? ( Sorry it's 3-0-5 day and people have been talking ghetto to me all day)
Australia is just there. I love them because nothing too terrible or too amazing ever happens there. I bet that old video is right, one day Australia will be the only country left after all the bombings and just be like "WTF MATE?"
I don't have thoughts on Canada, I mean what's there to really think about? Really, for all their positives, Canada's got their own problems too dah. I mean, fuck speaking French, and it seems really boring. But I'm jsut tired of writing so I'm being ignorant dahs.
So I've been around the world with my thoughts today and I'll leave you for now.
Keep it tight, keep it right. Happy TREE O FIVE DAY DAHS.
Its a much bigger issue than trying to get the Colonies or States to unite, I think. Mostly because while people from state to state in the United States grew different food, or had different accents, and even religious beliefs, the majority of those differences weren't that big. Just because you were different in a state didn't mean each state had its own civil war. Unlike Africa in which after the Impearial assholes left a country, the people who'd belonged to different tribes immidiately started fighting and it's been civil war after civil war in each of those countries ever since. What a shame.
And South America is going to shit apparently. This whole business with Chavez, and that FARC leader that was murdered is nonesense. The US seems to have trouble picking and choosing their friends and enemies. If Chavez does send his army just because of one guy that'll mean the end of South America. Everyone will be backing Colombia but at the same time no matter how big the army, there's no way to beat guerilla warfare.
The first time I heard about the FARC was when this crazy looking lady at a bus stop downtown started ranting about them. I had no idea what she was really talking about and just shrugged it off. She said some things that stuck like "you have no idea what they've been doing, what they've done to people, what they did to me" I've seen that lady all over downtown, all the time. As well as down by the Dadeland South Metro rail which really confused me.
The election here in the US has been and will continue to be a low budget tv soap opera. I hope to whatever higher power that Obama wins the Democratic election. That bitch Hilary has no right saying she knows whats best for the American people because of experience. Experience doesn't mean everything, lack of experience can be a positive thing if used by the right person, in the right situation, at the right time. The debates that I've watched between her and Obama have just gone on to show me how not ready she is to lead the American people. At first I didn't know a thing about Obama, and wanted Hilary to win. Once I learned about Obama's background and plans I began to like him. Then once Hilary started whining about people attacking her I lost all faith and it continues to dissipitate every time she repeats this offense. The American people, but most importantly, the conservative Republicans who've expected her to fail and crack under pressure because she's a woman WANTED her to fall apart. Once they got their wish there's no shutting them up because it's one strike and she's out to them. HAD she not cried or whined publicly. I wouldn't give two shits but that was where her first mistake was.
Since that she's contradicted her positions on policies, statements, etc, numerous times. Her whole campaign has been about her experience and good judgement. SO in a debate she mentions when asked about her vote for the go ahead for the Iraq war, she said that "she was against it in the background" and that "we shouldn't focus on the past" which the first statement is just a plain out lie,if she disagreed with agression in Iraq, she should have voted NO. Instead she went ahead and said yes. Second statement - YOUR WHOLE CAMPAIGN IS ABOUT YOUR PAST EXPERIENCE IN THE WHITEHOUSE AND THE SENATE WHORE. Sorry, it just really pisses me off how hypocritcal she's been. Also, I realize this isn't entirely her fault but the attacks she's made at Obama have always been very personal. His name, his age, lack of experience, are one thing. Publicly displaying a photo of him in respective, Muslim attire when he was visiting a Muslim state ,doesn't make him a Muslim. And it doesn't make him unpatriotic.
It makes him probably the most respectful politician we have when it comes to foreign affairs. I bet if Hilary visited the middle east she wouldn't wear anything to cover herself except maybe a hat to block the sun. As a country we need to choose a leader who won't just snap his fingers and fix everything. But someone who will work hard, and do what is in the true best interest not just for OUR country but for the world as well.
China is catching up and becoming a huge superpower equal to that of the US. What scares me the most about this happening is that the US is too greedy to share any power whatsoever. And it's kind of haunting that the winter Olympics are being held there this year. I say that because if you didn't realize, the Olympics were held in Berlin shortly after Hitler became chancellor in Germany. Look how that turned out. With all their prosperity, China is already facing serious crisis'. Freedom is a word seldom uttered or heard. The Government, while becoming more relaxed, has actually surpressed freedom of speech even more since the Olympics were set to be held there. How nice of a show is it to put on that the press from around the world will be free to roam about during the games. But they won't get to talk to those that have anything to say. Why? Because the Chinese government has already blacklisted, and has surveilence on these people. Because during the games these people who have something to say about their government that's probably the harsh truth, will be kept from being in contact with the press.
Japan too is heading out of control. The abortion rate is through the roof because lack of open sex education and I think it's a shame. They're going to get to a point where because of hardly any immigration into their country, as well as them not really mix breeding, Japan's dependency ratio will only continue to grow higher. As they reach this "fifth" level of development or whatever its called in Human Geography, they are bound to mess up.
I'm getting tired of ranting so I'll leave you with these last thoughts.
Europe is on point dahs. Li, fo sho dey kno what dey be needin to do to git derr shitt scrait. Ju kno wha I mean dah? ( Sorry it's 3-0-5 day and people have been talking ghetto to me all day)
Australia is just there. I love them because nothing too terrible or too amazing ever happens there. I bet that old video is right, one day Australia will be the only country left after all the bombings and just be like "WTF MATE?"
I don't have thoughts on Canada, I mean what's there to really think about? Really, for all their positives, Canada's got their own problems too dah. I mean, fuck speaking French, and it seems really boring. But I'm jsut tired of writing so I'm being ignorant dahs.
So I've been around the world with my thoughts today and I'll leave you for now.
Keep it tight, keep it right. Happy TREE O FIVE DAY DAHS.
4.3.08
With the line drawn in the wet sand..
I feel like I've been on the verge of a new period in my life. Not quite there yet, but things have been happening and stirring in the air and I'm not sure where life will take me but I'm sure I'll end up somewhere. I mean, somewhere is the only place to go right?
A little background information would be practical I suppose. Female, five feet short, of Arab/European descent, art student, hopefully soon to be college student, Miami-an. I like all sorts of music, but for the most part my heart and soul drowns in ska and punk rock music. Not really enjoying thinking, I happen to do it often, like every day. So when I had browsed a blog or two on here I figured why the hell not? I've been blogging on Myspace and I still sleep with my LiveJournal every now and then but time for change.
The idea of going to college still terrfies and excites me. I haven't gotten any letters back yet from my applications, I've applied to MICA, SAIC, SMFA, MassArt, and UCF. Its not a fear of not getting in anywhere, its a fear of not being able to go because of money. When you come from an upper middle class white family, not much financial aid comes your way. I just hope my merit scholarships will be 75%-full ride. Otherwise, it's Florida college for me. Actually, I was considering taking a year, or rather a semester off. That's a no brainer if I end up having to stay in Miami. I feel like I've been working so hard, the anticipation has grown and has built up for four years, mainly this year, but now I just feel like it's all become terribly stagnate. Waiting. It's the most difficult thing for me to do considering I'm not a person blessed with the virtue of patience.
An aquaintance of mine passed away the other day. The story is he was partying with some friends with cocaine over the weekend and overdosed. They took him to the hospital and then he was sent home. Monday morning I got a text from a friend saying that he'd been found in his room dead. Not that he was a good friend but someone I had once known. That's what troubles me the most. How of the very few cocaine overdoses that happens, someone that isn't a true addict, and has had experience in doing it, could well- over do it. It scares me most of all because no matter how experience in drugs I think I have, I'm still so young and have a lot to learn and go through.
I started using drugs when I was 11. With pot, of course. The supply being free, my older brother dealt, I enjoyed a very relaxed and ignorant view of the drug world for about two years. By the time I was in highschool I was doing it regularly, as well as drinking. Because of certain friends I swore up and down I wouldn't ever "stick a needle in my arm or put candy up my nose". Well the first statement to become false was the nose candy. 15 years old, a park, a group of friends, a cold. One sniff later my sinuses were clear and things went from there. I've gone through my binges with cocaine but nothing ever so serious parents, or even friends have had to intervene. When I think I'm doing too much, too often, I quit for a while. Most of the time actually I get bored of doing it often. Drinking, well, that's in my blood. Irish, German. I used to drink a lot, and just straight Jack Daniels or other hard liqour. Never beer, it's for pussies. After a while though my stomach decided to let me know it's bad and so now I can't drink Jack Daniels like a fish but I can still knock a few back. I think the next things I experimented with was Xanax bars, then Ecstasy. FYI - I can't chew pills. I actually have never been able to swallow even an advil. I CHEW them. Yes it's disgusting but that's how it goes if you really wanna get messed up. Next was the other false statement. I put a needle in my arm. Rather, a friend put the needle in my arm and it had heroin in it. That was over a year ago - two nights I think I did it - the second night more than once. And somewhere in between I've tried valium, vicodin, hydrocondone,crack, etc. I've yet to try shrooms, acid, pcp, or crystal meth.
It's not that I think doing drugs is cool. I used to SI (that's another story) and have clinical depression, so you could try to psychoanalyze me and say I've been substituting SI for hurting my inner physical self, as well as self medicating through the use of narcotics. My biggest problem with drugs is the issue of addiction. Here I am, six years of using drugs and no addictions. This being said, there isn't one person in my circle of close friends that isn't addicted to a drug or hasn't had a serious addiction to a drug in the past. There are heroin addicts, bar(Xanax) addicts, alcoholics, coke heads, crack heads, pookieheads(X), as well as stupid kids I know who claim to be addicted to pot. My whole philosophy at this point is, live life to the fullest, NEVER say never because you NEVER know, don't regret just fucking live, and the most important is mind over body. My mind is not without fault, actually I've believed myself to be manic depressive before, and I am diagnosed with clinical depression. However, I believe in order to really say 'fuck everyone' and 'society' you have to deviate from its standards. Yes I choose to associate myself with lowlives and drug addicts, as well as academics, jocks and everyone actually .But the people I'm closest to are some of the most beautiful people in this world - at least to me. By being a part of such a stereotypical world, in which even doctors and politicians, stereotype, and being the prime example I do feel accomplished in some way. Yes I do drugs, narcotics, on a regular basis. I've done the worst of the worst, and I'm sure that's not the end of my use. But by being so ADD and impatient, I get bored of lifestyles and repitition easily. And in case you're wondering what I'm talking about - a drug addicts life can become very structured. Its all based on trying to get money for drugs, then doing them, then trying to get money for more and so on and so forth. After a few days in a row of partying, I can't take it, both my body and my mind become sick of it and tell me when to stop.
That was such a long entry and I didn't expect to rant that much but so be it. I'll come back soon I guess.
A little background information would be practical I suppose. Female, five feet short, of Arab/European descent, art student, hopefully soon to be college student, Miami-an. I like all sorts of music, but for the most part my heart and soul drowns in ska and punk rock music. Not really enjoying thinking, I happen to do it often, like every day. So when I had browsed a blog or two on here I figured why the hell not? I've been blogging on Myspace and I still sleep with my LiveJournal every now and then but time for change.
The idea of going to college still terrfies and excites me. I haven't gotten any letters back yet from my applications, I've applied to MICA, SAIC, SMFA, MassArt, and UCF. Its not a fear of not getting in anywhere, its a fear of not being able to go because of money. When you come from an upper middle class white family, not much financial aid comes your way. I just hope my merit scholarships will be 75%-full ride. Otherwise, it's Florida college for me. Actually, I was considering taking a year, or rather a semester off. That's a no brainer if I end up having to stay in Miami. I feel like I've been working so hard, the anticipation has grown and has built up for four years, mainly this year, but now I just feel like it's all become terribly stagnate. Waiting. It's the most difficult thing for me to do considering I'm not a person blessed with the virtue of patience.
An aquaintance of mine passed away the other day. The story is he was partying with some friends with cocaine over the weekend and overdosed. They took him to the hospital and then he was sent home. Monday morning I got a text from a friend saying that he'd been found in his room dead. Not that he was a good friend but someone I had once known. That's what troubles me the most. How of the very few cocaine overdoses that happens, someone that isn't a true addict, and has had experience in doing it, could well- over do it. It scares me most of all because no matter how experience in drugs I think I have, I'm still so young and have a lot to learn and go through.
I started using drugs when I was 11. With pot, of course. The supply being free, my older brother dealt, I enjoyed a very relaxed and ignorant view of the drug world for about two years. By the time I was in highschool I was doing it regularly, as well as drinking. Because of certain friends I swore up and down I wouldn't ever "stick a needle in my arm or put candy up my nose". Well the first statement to become false was the nose candy. 15 years old, a park, a group of friends, a cold. One sniff later my sinuses were clear and things went from there. I've gone through my binges with cocaine but nothing ever so serious parents, or even friends have had to intervene. When I think I'm doing too much, too often, I quit for a while. Most of the time actually I get bored of doing it often. Drinking, well, that's in my blood. Irish, German. I used to drink a lot, and just straight Jack Daniels or other hard liqour. Never beer, it's for pussies. After a while though my stomach decided to let me know it's bad and so now I can't drink Jack Daniels like a fish but I can still knock a few back. I think the next things I experimented with was Xanax bars, then Ecstasy. FYI - I can't chew pills. I actually have never been able to swallow even an advil. I CHEW them. Yes it's disgusting but that's how it goes if you really wanna get messed up. Next was the other false statement. I put a needle in my arm. Rather, a friend put the needle in my arm and it had heroin in it. That was over a year ago - two nights I think I did it - the second night more than once. And somewhere in between I've tried valium, vicodin, hydrocondone,crack, etc. I've yet to try shrooms, acid, pcp, or crystal meth.
It's not that I think doing drugs is cool. I used to SI (that's another story) and have clinical depression, so you could try to psychoanalyze me and say I've been substituting SI for hurting my inner physical self, as well as self medicating through the use of narcotics. My biggest problem with drugs is the issue of addiction. Here I am, six years of using drugs and no addictions. This being said, there isn't one person in my circle of close friends that isn't addicted to a drug or hasn't had a serious addiction to a drug in the past. There are heroin addicts, bar(Xanax) addicts, alcoholics, coke heads, crack heads, pookieheads(X), as well as stupid kids I know who claim to be addicted to pot. My whole philosophy at this point is, live life to the fullest, NEVER say never because you NEVER know, don't regret just fucking live, and the most important is mind over body. My mind is not without fault, actually I've believed myself to be manic depressive before, and I am diagnosed with clinical depression. However, I believe in order to really say 'fuck everyone' and 'society' you have to deviate from its standards. Yes I choose to associate myself with lowlives and drug addicts, as well as academics, jocks and everyone actually .But the people I'm closest to are some of the most beautiful people in this world - at least to me. By being a part of such a stereotypical world, in which even doctors and politicians, stereotype, and being the prime example I do feel accomplished in some way. Yes I do drugs, narcotics, on a regular basis. I've done the worst of the worst, and I'm sure that's not the end of my use. But by being so ADD and impatient, I get bored of lifestyles and repitition easily. And in case you're wondering what I'm talking about - a drug addicts life can become very structured. Its all based on trying to get money for drugs, then doing them, then trying to get money for more and so on and so forth. After a few days in a row of partying, I can't take it, both my body and my mind become sick of it and tell me when to stop.
That was such a long entry and I didn't expect to rant that much but so be it. I'll come back soon I guess.
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